the chaos of a new school year could be mine to have.
***Rantings of a grieving mom during her first school year without her child***
Instead? I’m visiting my daughter’s grave.
Forgive me if I am absent for the next few days…..I just can’t.
Can’t see all the first day of school posts.
Not because I don’t care…..I actually care TOO much. And my heart hurts so. That I won’t have a first day of school picture of my Zay. Usually annoyed with my filming…..an eye roll…..but always a glimpse of that smile. Always.
I have really been struggling the last week. Actually, everyday is a struggle without the presence of my dear sweet Zayla. But, lately?? I have been truly battling sadness and anger. I hate that about this grief journey. I hate how much it has changed who I am. Who my living children are. And who my dear husband is.
So please, take this as a blanket statement….to all of you enjoying this life moment. Best of luck to you and your children on this upcoming year of school….it’s a glorious occasion. Enjoy it. Take as many photographs with your mind that you can…..I’m still trying to mentally feel and see those moments from last year.
That being said, I do have one favor of all who take the time to read my musings……PLEASE, please, please stop complaining about all the mundane things. Be happy that your lives are chaos. That you have the struggles of getting back on a routine. That your kids have too many activities to go to. That your life is busy. Believe me, I would literally give my life, everything I own to have Zay back here on earth.
Appreciate what you have. Love fully. And always be mindful that someone else, somewhere has it much worse than you do.
We are a shell of the people we were before. Before the hero in our lives died from cancer. It makes you disheartened. Angry. And sometimes skeptical of others. How could it not? Your hopes and dreams have been shattered.
Angry that our lives are forever broken. Angry that there just wasn’t more that could be done. And at times….I am angry at myself. I was her healthcare champion. I was suppose to protect her. Do everything and anything to help her live. And it just wasn’t so.
by Alanis Morissette and it really spoke to me…..truly, why don’t we face these emotions head on??!? Why don’t we comfort each other more? Where are the tears?? We should be teaching our children that it is okay to cry, and be angry….usually at the same time. Or happy, fearful and confused all at once. That is life.
And then, after days of reflection and trying to write this blog passage…..I get a visit. In a dream. Your smiling face…..a giggle. How sweet and precious….if only just for a minute. My broken heart can still beat because of these occasional little blessings from Z.
So my thoughts have lead to this…..if I keep putting anger out into the universe, I am going to keep getting it back. I preached to Maddie earlier this week…..what you put out in the world is what you will get back. I can encourage her with these words, yet, I can’t take my own advice. Zayla’s death should not be this stifling painful future for us…..we should use this to catapult us to greatness. Try to be great. Like she was.
Because she deserved so much more.
Trying to find my peace~