Grieving mother….

Grieving mother….is NOT happy.  And not for the obvious reasons either.

It was brought to my attention that a local high school is donating ALL the proceeds from their childhood cancer night to….you guessed it….Relay for Life or better known as American Cancer Society.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????????

I decided to put my words to action…..and sent this email to the Principal and Assistant Principal at Bishop McNamara.  And here’s the thing….it shouldn’t be a “it’s affecting one community more” kinda thing…..childhood cancer CAN and WILL strike again. Incidence rates of diagnoses is rising every year. There are numerous children in OUR entire Kankakee area that are, or have battled childhood cancer. Schools should be supporting CHILDREN!! For god’s sake, that should be the priority. Period.img_2237 

Mr. Kennedy and Mr. Granger,

It was brought to my attention that Bishop McNamara High School is having an event Friday night that is themed, Go Gold for Childhood Cancer. Go Gold for childhood cancer was MY idea last year at Herscher.  I think it is great that Bishop McNamara High School is wanting to support childhood cancer.  Until I heard who the event is going to benefit.  

 I would like to share a blog excerpt that I wrote this past June.  I did the Go Gold to raise awareness and money for childhood cancer research and families.  Because I WAS a childhood cancer family.  Until MY family was destroyed in March when my daughter DIED from brain cancer. 

Please do the right thing.  Please don’t dishearten Bobbi’s efforts to make this world right from losing her best friend.  Relay for Life does NOT support children with cancer.  They barely support adults with their pitiful donations to research.  Don’t believe me?  You are more than welcome to look up the IRS form 990 on ACS.  I have.  Below is that information.  You are wrong when you tell a student that Relay for Life and American Cancer Society give 79% to research.  That is a lie.  Look it up.  Facts are that it is 13.2%.  Far cry from 79%.  Please do share which site you are getting your misguided information from?? Directly from American Cancer Society?  How about searching charitynavigator or other charity whistle blower sites??

I will be sharing this conversation on my blog and website. Please do the right thing.  Reconsider using the horrific faces of childhood cancer, then giving the donations to organizations that do NOTHING for the kids you are trying to support.  It is a slap in the face of the children who are battling.  And it is a slap in the face to the families that have lost their loved ones to this horrific disease.

*****background note****** Zayla’s friend Bobbi (who attends Bishop Mac) went to the Assistant Principal today to talk to him about where the money is going.   He gave her a website where he gets his charitable “facts” and “statistics”. She mentioned all the research  (Zayla’s mom) has done and he gave his “opinion” on why some of us may not like RFL. Bobbi got upset when talking to him, she wears that heart on her sleeve. “This week’s football game is for Childhood Cancer Awareness and the proceeds are going to RFL of Kankakee”.


From my blog:  June 2016

Another year….my baby should have been 15 this week.  Instead, she will be forever 14 years old.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful that we had 14+ years with this amazing human.  But it just wasn’t enough.  And so unbelievably unfair that you were taken too soon.

Another year…..of watching the Relay for Life event unfold in our local town.  I am grateful this year that I am working today……  I don’t have to travel past this event and feel the extra hurt of knowing that people are still oblivious.


Today while sitting at work, I received a text from a friend….asking where to locate the ACS information.  And that text pushed me to finish writing this blog that I actually started researching and writing earlier this week.  It’s just so hard to keep pushing forward….raising awareness…..when all I want is MY daughter BACK!!

And that can’t happen.

So maybe, instead of feeling sorry and dismal, maybe, just maybe, I need to share this……American Cancer Society, and Relay for Life are a SCAM!  And I am not just pissed off about this because they don’t do squat for kids…..I am pissed off because there are SO, SO, SO many organizations that would do MORE with donations for ALL cancers. I know there are a ton of intelligent people that can do the research like I have.  I know there are many many people that can do simple math, like I have.

Is it just laziness? Is it propaganda?? Or is it that American Cancer Society has been shoved down our throats for years….that they are helping people have more birthdays….that they are reaching for that cure to cancer……that they are “there” for Americans.  I call bull.

So here is the breakdown folks….

ACS received $847,861,530 in donations in 2014 (latest IRS form 990 information). Of which, $441,686,016 was used for salaries.  That is 52% of all donations go towards salaries.  Salaries like that of CEO John Seffrin who was paid $1,287,247, and COO Gregory Bontrager made $1,120,038, EVP David Veneziano received $1,110,883 and Sr EVP Joseph Cahoon Jr made $1,008,931 in 2014.

Another sick thought…..$17,144,816 was paid to lobbyists.  We all just love lobbyists, now don’t we??!?! Whereas $19,112,920 was paid for grants and assistance to Americans in need for programs like: Look good Feel Better program, Wigs for women, Transportation, guest room programs and other patient support systems….Can you see that just 2 million dollars more is paid to actual patients suffering from cancer versus companies that lobby our governments congressmen and women?!?! Seriously??!? Don’t you think that cancer patients deserve more?  I mean let’s get real here…..all those cancer patients and their families are raising money for ACS.

That brings me to fundraising expenses…..$201,303,109 was spent to raise more money. That is 23.7% of money raised goes into raising more money.  Huh, you say??? For every $100 you raise at the Relay for Life event…..$23 goes to raise more money.  Sounds like a great investment, doesn’t it???

My final, and honestly the most important part…..RESEARCH! According to the 990 IRS form Mission Statement for the American Cancer Society is this: To eliminate cancer as a major health problem by preventing cancer, saving lives, and diminishing suffering from the disease through research, education, advocacy and service.  Research you say?? What a joke!! $112,688,736 was spent on research grants in 2014.  That is a measly 13.2% of raised funds….OR $13.20 for every $100 raised.  I find this insulting.  Absurd.  And an absolute need for CHANGE!!  Don’t keep feeding into the Big Business of Cancer….

Image result for friends don’t let friends relay image Seriously??!?! A world without cancer will NOT be due to ACS.  Sorry folks…..Relay for life does not support Research….

I did see that the revenue received by ACS from 2013 to 2014 did decrease by $71,668,244.  Maybe, just maybe America is waking up……

I would like to add…..A GIANT thank you to my daughter’s school (and Mrs Jensen) for changing our school’s mini relay for life event at the school…..Now a majority of raised funds (by the district teachers, students and families) goes to more fiscally responsible cancer organizations…..

baby steps…..must keep pushing forward… baby girl has got to be smiling down from heaven about that!!!

To ALL cancer survivors and their families…..You don’t need to walk the lap as a survivor at the Relay for Life event to feel accomplished….YOU already are!!



“Purpose of Life is to Live with Purpose”

Must push forward….

Today I want to share something I posted exactly one year ago….

Oh how I would LOVE to even go back to this shitty time.  And all those shitty feelings.  Because my girl was at least still HERE.  With me.


My intentions for pointing out the lack of Zayla’s friends showing up to the Walk this weekend was not to 1. Get excuses from anyone or 2. Make anyone feel bad. My intentions are to show all of you what is OUR life. Everyday.

*******This past weekend there were 22 girls who volunteered at the AshleyCan Walk….22!!  That is 22 more than last year! *******

September is an incredibly emotional month for our family. Especially Zayla. Every year we try to raise awareness. Get people to join in our fight. Some years, the support is great. Others? Not so much. I can see why other childhood cancer families just walk away after treatment. Never looking back. Because this is RAW! Painful. I get it.

When treatment to cure your child turns into years…..and even decades…..people lose interest. It’s sad. It’s scary. We all have our own lives….and we are all very busy. Yep. I get it. I’m busy too. But I am not allowed to turn away. Ignore. This is MY life everyday. And it will never change.

There are so many people who support Zayla. I know this. Many days it is THE only thing that pushes me forward. I often get the comment….”you are so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it”…..Well, some days I don’t know either. The thing is…..I don’t have a choice. You just do it.

I’m not very uplifting these last two weeks…..I can barely support my sick daughter and keep my shit together without crying. I have moments of rage. Insane anger. Then terrible grieving and crying. You may not see this. But it is there.

God, this child of mine is so, so, so strong!!! You see, this past weekend she not only faced talking about her cancer without any peers present to support her……but she also asked numerous girls her age if she could be a “twin/triplet” with them for a stupid Homecoming dress up day. I know….this is small in the grand scheme of things. But to her it WAS everything. At the moment. Each of the girls that Zayla asked (six total) ALL said….sorry, I am already a twin with someone. I ask all of you……what in the world is wrong with our youth???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? No one wants to ask my daughter to be included???? I just about can’t stand it. I can feel the anger rising up in me. I want to protect my baby!!! Because, God knows I can’t protect her from this cancer diagnosis.
I am forever grateful to Zayla’s new friend Jaid. Her response to Zayla’s asking…..Well of course I want to!!!!

*****I pray that those who have shunned my daughter in the past, can now realize that life IS short.  And make a change.  Be the support to the lonely.  Be kind.  You may not think your actions can impact another human….but they do! *******

This story is only one of many… is a constant struggle for Zayla in school. Not only educationally, but socially as well. From lunch table struggles, not being asked to go to “friends” houses, not being able to play volleyball because she is too weak, struggling with simple homework tasks that she use to enjoy…’s heart wrenching.
This is our life. And I try to savor every minute of it……because we don’t have a crystal ball to see the future. And when she giggles…’s like everything gets washed away….if only for a few minutes.

Must push forward….although the memories that I come across everyday in the world of FB can be brutally painful….I know I must push forward. Maybe if I say it enough it will actually be true?!?

Pushing forward….I want to share an idea that was brought to me by my dear friend Karla.  She suggested we do a cookbook for a fundraiser to raise money for Zayla’s scholarship fund.


What an excellent IDEA!!  So, with that being said, we will be organizing a recipe collection to put in a nice hardcover spiral book that will be sold to raise money for a culinary scholarship for another student.  Since my girl will NOT be able to be the chef she longed to be.

trying to be active for you baby girl….

miss your sweet face.