Today I want to share something I posted exactly one year ago….
Oh how I would LOVE to even go back to this shitty time. And all those shitty feelings. Because my girl was at least still HERE. With me.
My intentions for pointing out the lack of Zayla’s friends showing up to the Walk this weekend was not to 1. Get excuses from anyone or 2. Make anyone feel bad. My intentions are to show all of you what is OUR life. Everyday.
*******This past weekend there were 22 girls who volunteered at the AshleyCan Walk….22!! That is 22 more than last year! *******
September is an incredibly emotional month for our family. Especially Zayla. Every year we try to raise awareness. Get people to join in our fight. Some years, the support is great. Others? Not so much. I can see why other childhood cancer families just walk away after treatment. Never looking back. Because this is RAW! Painful. I get it.
When treatment to cure your child turns into years…..and even decades…..people lose interest. It’s sad. It’s scary. We all have our own lives….and we are all very busy. Yep. I get it. I’m busy too. But I am not allowed to turn away. Ignore. This is MY life everyday. And it will never change.
There are so many people who support Zayla. I know this. Many days it is THE only thing that pushes me forward. I often get the comment….”you are so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it”…..Well, some days I don’t know either. The thing is…..I don’t have a choice. You just do it.
I’m not very uplifting these last two weeks…..I can barely support my sick daughter and keep my shit together without crying. I have moments of rage. Insane anger. Then terrible grieving and crying. You may not see this. But it is there.
God, this child of mine is so, so, so strong!!! You see, this past weekend she not only faced talking about her cancer without any peers present to support her……but she also asked numerous girls her age if she could be a “twin/triplet” with them for a stupid Homecoming dress up day. I know….this is small in the grand scheme of things. But to her it WAS everything. At the moment. Each of the girls that Zayla asked (six total) ALL said….sorry, I am already a twin with someone. I ask all of you……what in the world is wrong with our youth???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? No one wants to ask my daughter to be included???? I just about can’t stand it. I can feel the anger rising up in me. I want to protect my baby!!! Because, God knows I can’t protect her from this cancer diagnosis.
I am forever grateful to Zayla’s new friend Jaid. Her response to Zayla’s asking…..Well of course I want to!!!!
*****I pray that those who have shunned my daughter in the past, can now realize that life IS short. And make a change. Be the support to the lonely. Be kind. You may not think your actions can impact another human….but they do! *******
This story is only one of many…..it is a constant struggle for Zayla in school. Not only educationally, but socially as well. From lunch table struggles, not being asked to go to “friends” houses, not being able to play volleyball because she is too weak, struggling with simple homework tasks that she use to enjoy…..it’s heart wrenching.
This is our life. And I try to savor every minute of it……because we don’t have a crystal ball to see the future. And when she giggles…..it’s like everything gets washed away….if only for a few minutes.
Must push forward….although the memories that I come across everyday in the world of FB can be brutally painful….I know I must push forward. Maybe if I say it enough it will actually be true?!?
Pushing forward….I want to share an idea that was brought to me by my dear friend Karla. She suggested we do a cookbook for a fundraiser to raise money for Zayla’s scholarship fund.
What an excellent IDEA!! So, with that being said, we will be organizing a recipe collection to put in a nice hardcover spiral book that will be sold to raise money for a culinary scholarship for another student. Since my girl will NOT be able to be the chef she longed to be.
trying to be active for you baby girl….
miss your sweet face.