6 damn months of pain.  Of torture to my heart.

6. It was her favorite number.  It was the month AND day that she was born.

Now?? It is just an added painful reminder.  Of what my heart can barely understand.

I think the numbness is wearing off.  And the pain is excruciating.  But. Sprinkled amongst this unthinkable pain is ANGER.

I’m angry.  I’m angry that my daughter is not here.  With me.  I’m angry that another month has went by….and my heart wants to know what has changed??

So far this month, I have seen a local high school support the American Cancer Society with a Go Gold night for children with cancer.  Say what?? With no regard or care as to what ACS does for children.

I have learned about 3 more children diagnosed with cancer.  3!!!! And that makes me angry.  And it should make you angry as well.  Because what are we really doing??!?

I’m angry because this week is Homecoming.  Homecoming that my dear Zayla is not here to attend.  And oh, how she loved to get dressed up.  And socialize.


And finally, I am angry to have to explain to an employee of a childhood cancer organization of WHY I do NOT support them anymore.  The NUMBERS should tell the story.  Let’s see them, shall we?

CureSearch 2015 numbers at a glance….

  • Revenue (what $$ brought in)                                               = $6,364,707
  • Fundraising Expenses(money it costs to raise money) =$2,010,460 (31.5%)
  • Salaries (what pay employees)                                              =$2,799,734 (43.9%)
  • Grants for Research (the cause)                                         =$2,231,363 (35%)

Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation 2014 numbers……

  • Revenue (what $$ brought in)                                              =$16,963,712
  • Fundraising Expenses ($$ it costs to raise $$)                 =$1,051,307 (6.1%)
  • Salaries (what pay employees)                                              =$2,254,300 (13.2%
  • Grants for Research (the cause)                                       =$14,377,305 (84.7%)

St. Baldrick’s 2014 numbers……

  • Revenue (what $$ brought in)                                             =$37,735,073
  • Fundraising Expenses ($$ it costs to raise $$)               =$6,975,825 (18.4%)
  • Salaries (what pay employees)                                            =$4,278,444 (11.3%)
  • Grants for Research/Programs (the cause)                  =$26,755,790 (70.9%)

As you can tell, I want to see MORE money for research.  Less money for salaries.  Less money for fundraising expenses.  The point of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month is not only to make people AWARE that children get cancer too….the hope is that with awareness will come research so that some day there will be a Forever Cure.  Because honestly, what’s the point of awareness without true change??  So please, do NOT hide behind your “good” feelings about an organization that this grieving cancer mom wants NO part of.  Talk is cheap….ACTION speaks volumes.


Now, onto the GOOD….because I always want to finish my thoughts with goodness.

I am blessed that I have the strength and courage to keep pushing forward….thank you dear Zay.  WE have seen much goodness this past month….

  • Amazing turnout for our First Annual Bags Tourney….of which a portion of raised funds went to the Daily family and Abram’s hearing aid fund.

  • Donations from the CSW Dissension 4 for Childhood Cancer wrestling event- thanks Erik Olsen

  • Donations from Andy Cotter and his college friends from a summer golf outing

  • Limestone Middle School has a Heart of Gold and organized (in one week, amazing) a sale of gold ribbons with all proceeds to benefit childhood cancer research.

  • Upcoming this Saturday, October 1st is the Herscher Youth Football fundraiser for childhood cancer….at Sims Field in Herscher.  Come on out and support a great cause!!

  • And finally, the Herscher Volleyball team is hosting an event Tuesday October 4th, Go Gold for childhood cancer…there will be items for sale (thanks Jen Nevious).  I will be speaking before the Varsity game.  Prayers for additional strength is appreciated.

A month of Gold was nice….but it should really be all year long!!


Miss you baby girl.

“All we ever do is all we knew, Time to wake up from this, Time to make up for it”


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