Not tidy.  Not wrapped with a tiny little bow.  

And so I write…

Today was such a roller coaster of emotions.  

I didn’t shop for Christmas until today.  I just couldn’t.  Everything about it makes me cry.  Makes me angry.  And just fucki== hurts.  

This morning I had to help the Middle get tires on her car.  So I basically kidnapped her for the next three hours as she waited for them to be done.  And we shopped.  Briskly.  

thing is….when you are out and about amongst the chaos of Christmas, because let’s face it…that’s what it is.  Chaos.  You kinda get the energy of it all…..until you look at something to buy and realize you are only buying for two children now.  That honestly is a really shitty part.  The constant reminder that there are now two.  

So as I sit here tonight….debating if I can even wrap these said gifts that I bought.  Sipping the new wine that came today, I just take what I can.  Unwrapped gifts.  Seems fitting actually… kidding, Z would wrap about 80% of the gifts I bought for the past couple years.  I’m just not wrapping them.  So there.  

Life is chaos.  But most the time we bring that shit on ourselves.  

Today three of Zayla’s good friends brought up a car full of toys to Comer’s Children Hospital….her hospital.  She would be pleased.  

“I bring Comer Cheer….for our friend Zayla who loved giving gifts to all the children.  We wanted to continue her tradition!”

And as I tried to navigate this eve before Christmas eve….I was able to get through the day with the love and support from so many.  The Kankakee County Correctional Officers Association chose Team Zayla Foundation to receive one of their donations…..$500! We are so thankful to receive all the support…..we are just trying to make a difference.  In memory of our Z.  Thanks Rich Ball for all you do….it was great to chat with you on topics that mean so much to me and our family.  Childhood cancer robs many families of years with their loved ones.  I know way too many children who have died from cancer.  It changes who you are.  forever.  

I ended up making 118 signs to presale orders.  It was so therapeutic for me to have this to focus on.  Because honestly, the more I can keep busy, the less time for my mind to keep running.  I will be making signs again come next Fall….was a great way to keep me focused and raise money for a great cause.  

This year, St Jude’s Children Hospital is the recipient for all the money raised.  I don’t have an exact total just yet….but I know it is well over $2500 that the signs raised, plus the Mary Gierke family donated over $1400 to our cause as well….Mary just recently passed away from colon cancer. I can’t put into words how touched I am to have others reach out and want to know how to help children with cancer.  

Motivates me to keep going.  She may be gone from this earth….but she will continue to make an impact.  I promise.  


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