Alexithymia….that has been me. Difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses. Yep. All three.
The past week has been a struggle. Hell, the past three years has been a struggle. But for some reason, I have been struggling with anger, sadness, and just plain feeling lost.
We had a battle on our hands for the past month trying to fight a solar panel “farm” from going around our property. I know many don’t get what the BIG deal is….but for some crazy reason this house that we have a love/hate relationship with, felt threatened to be destroyed. You see, our house was built in 1882. It’s old. The basement is literally falling apart. We completely remodeled the entire house (besides the basement) when we bought it back in 2001. It’s small. The wind rips through it often. You either freeze or sweat…no happy medium. And there have been ants. And mice. And frozen pipes. Shit the list really goes on and on.
But here’s the thing…..we raised our girls here.
And Zayla died here.
But she also laughed here. And ran around. And played. And swam. And giggled.
And those are the things I just can’t seem to let my heart go on this DAMN house. The views here are AMAZING!!! We live on a slight hill…..and the peacefulness on a calm day, or a starry night, just can’t be expressed or described appropriately. Alexithymia.
Thankfully, we WON the county board’s vote, and the solar panel farm was voted down. But reliving and hashing out my feelings about this house has left me with so many emotions that I just can’t put into words.
Funny, the other night Jason made some amazing scallops on the grill (Zayla’s favorite). And they were delicious. And as we were starting to eat them, and listening to music, the song changed to Wish You Were Here.